Stepping Over The Edge
by Elistone
Summary: Harry has lost all hope of a future, can he survive intact. ABANDONED
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

All my life I've been pushed around. It started when I was only one year old, when Voldemort killed my parents and then tried to kill me. It didn't get better when I had to spend all those years with the Dursleys or when I found out that I was a wizard and had to face my parents' murderer over and over again. I have been pushed around for so many years now, and it's kind of strange that I didn't snap before.

But it was that summer that I was finally pushed over the edge. That summer when I had to watch my godfather, the closest thing to a father I ever had, get killed and then find out that I was destined to either end as a murderer or murdered. Kill or be killed, the law of the jungle. That was the last straw. I had barley turned 16, and still I had faced more then anyone should be allowed to. If it had been someone else, maybe they had been pushed over the edge earlier, but that doesn't matter. The fact is that this was my last push, the last thing that was needed to block me from the world.

The Dursleys didn't exactly help me with my grief, not that I had expected them to, they just made sure I wouldn't come back, and that I would stay on the other side of the barrier. As soon as we got "home" from Kings Cross station my uncle killed the last thing that would have kept me going that summer, my beloved Hedwig. He slammed her into the wall before I even had the chance to react. It was cold-blooded murder, and he did it without regret.

I don't remember much about what happened after that, but I think I might have attacked him. Not with a wand or anything, just with my fist. You can probably understand that I didn't have much chance against my whale of an uncle. The next thing I can remember is lying on the floor in my small bedroom, blood dripping from my mouth and bruises starting to show on my stomach. But I didn't complain about that. My uncle had destroyed my last piece of hope, my last wish that there was something good in this world.

So I gave up. I didn't care anymore. There was nothing to live for, nothing to keep me going. I didn't cry. I wasn't able to share even one tear for my friend, not one tear for my Hedwig. You could probably say that I died with her. My soul didn't have much to hang on to any longer, and it slowly slipped away from me.

I hardly left my room all summer. I stayed there, in my private shelter, where I was blocked from the world, blocked from all that was bad. I lay on my bed thinking about my life, what had gone wrong, what I could have done differently, but most of all, about what could have been. I dreamed about a future that would never happen, a future with a clean past and me standing there happily with everyone I had ever loved. I know that it wasn't good to dwell on it, but I couldn't stop myself. I wished for it so badly.

One night I went down to the kitchen, not to find anything to eat, but to find a knife. I found a nice sharp one that I brought back to my room. The Dursleys probably noticed that it was missing the next day, and they probably figured out that it was me that had taken it. But they didn't say anything. I think they were quite freaked out over the way I was behaving and didn't want to push the matter. So they left me with the knife. I don't know why I stole it in the first place. For days I just watched it, watched how the light reflected in the blank metal. I thought it was so beautiful.

As the days past I found myself wanting to destroy the cleanness of the metal, wanted to make it dirty, to show that life couldn't be that beautiful. One night I pressed it into my thigh. It hurt like hell. I watched as the blood ran down the knife and my leg, but only for a second. The pain was so strong that it made me forget about everything else, made me focus on that alone. I didn't even have any nightmares that night. I could sleep in peace.

So that's how it started. I don't now how many scars I have, but I can tell you that there are quite a lot. It felt so good to just press the knife into the flesh and feel how everything else just disappeared. I didn't have any worries, there was only the pain.


	2. Chapter 1 Back at Hogwarts

**Chapter 1 – Back at Hogwarts**

Harry slowly walked through the corridors, eyes on the floor and his feet leading the way. He was supposed to be in class now, Charms or something, but he wasn't sure. He really didn't care either. What did it matter if he went or not? It wasn't like it would help him anyway. If life continues this way, he would probably be dead before this school year ended. Not like he cared about that either.

He wasn't scared about death; he saw no point in it. It was inevitable; it would always come, sooner or later. Sooner for him. He knew that he never would live for long; the question was just how he would go. He knew that he wouldn't be able to defeat Voldemort; he was just a kid after all, so if they meet again he would be the one who falls. But he wasn't sure if he would let it go that way.

Harry Potter didn't fear death, he longed for it. He didn't know how many times he had dreamed about taking his own life, but he did know that he wouldn't stop until he did. He had thought of different ways, cutting open his veins, jumping from Gryffindor tower, making a death potion, everything. But he just didn't have the guts. It was true, he had several nasty scars from his episodes with the knife, but he had never cut the veins. He wasn't sure why, he just hadn't.

He rounded a corner and past a group of second years. He didn't need to look at them to know that they were staring at him. Everyone did that. He was the school freak, the one who cut classes, disobeyed the teachers and hardly spoke to anyone. Everyone had got really sick of his behaviour, and even the Gryffindors had turned their backs on him. They hated the way he humiliated them and lost all their points. Even Hermione, Ron and Ginny had given up on him.

When the year started they had tried to make him change, make him realise that he couldn't keep acting like that. He had ignored them. He didn't care about what he could or couldn't do; no one had the right to tell him that. So they gave up. It was a couple of months ago now. At first they stopped talking to him, then walked away without a word, and finally stopped sitting next to him.

He didn't care about what they did. It was all for the best. He didn't want to talk to them, didn't want them around all the time. He needed peace, and he couldn't get that with them around.

No one understood how he felt. He had gone through so much, and all they wanted was for him to save them yet another time. People didn't care that he had lost his parents, his godfather and his life. He was their saviour, and therefore they wanted him to act like one. He hated them for it. He had never asked for this life, it was just thrown on him, without even asking what he thought.

And then people had the nerve to turn their backs on him. For 15 years they had talked about him, written about him in books and magazines, leaving his life open for the world. They hadn't asked about that either. Why would they? He was a celebrity, common property.

He had given up the fight long ago. There was no use in trying to get the reporters off his back; they would just find another way. He didn't read the newspapers anymore either. It only told about deaths and tragedies, and he had had enough of that during his short life.

Harry glanced down on his watch. Classes should be over by now, and lunch would be served. He didn't eat much anymore, only one or maybe two meals a day. Sometimes he didn't eat at all. He loved to torture himself, felt like he deserved it. He had made so many people suffer, so why shouldn't he too? One time he had gone through three days without food, but he learnt not to do that again. He had collapsed in the middle of a hallway and had to spend two days in the Hospital wing, being forced to eat six times everyday. He didn't want to do that again, so when he started to feel too bad, he went down and ate something. Today he would eat.

He walked down the corridors, now with a goal, and didn't pay any attention to the students jumping out of his way. When he walked into the Great Hall the sound level dropped a bit, but he ignored that to, and went to get his seat at the end of the table. After a couple of minutes the noise went up again as everyone turned back to there own business.

Harry picked at the food in front of him, absently, before he decided to have an apple. Since he didn't eat very much, or very often, his stomach couldn't take so much. An apple would be just enough to get him through another day. He never planned longer then that. One day, that was all. He saw no point in planning a life, when he knew he wouldn't have one.

"Hey Potter! Why do you even stay here? No one wants you around." Malfoy called, making several people in the Hall nod. Not only Slytherins, but people from all the tables, even a few Gryffindors.

Harry just stared down at his apple. He didn't know why he stayed. He didn't give a fuck about school, about the protection of Hogwarts or the fact that he had no other place to go. The protection was only there to keep the inevitable away a little longer, and the fact that he didn't have anywhere else to go didn't bother him. As soon as he stepped out of the grounds he would be captured, so why have a place to go?

"We would be better of without you, so why don't you just leave?" Malfoy called again.

_Yeah, why don't you? You don't need this shit?_ Harry rose from his chair and walked out of the Great Hall. There was no point in staying, he would be better of dead.


	3. Chapter 2 A Step from the Unbelievable

**Chapter 2 – A Step from the Unbelievable**

Every eye in the Great Hall watched Harry as he stormed out of the doors. Malfoy looked really pleased with himself, but the Gryffindors were concerned. There had been a determination in Harry's eyes when he left, something none of them had seen for months.

"What do you think he's going to do?" Seamus asked turning towards Ron, who was still looking at the doors.

"I don't know. Maybe he's leaving school, running away or something," he answered.

"Did you see that look in his eyes?" Neville cut in. "Sent shivers down my spine."

The others nodded. It had been creepy. "You don't think he's going to do something stupid though?" Hermione asked.

"Like what?" Ron said confused. "Hasn't everything he's done this year been stupid?"

"Yeah, but I mean like hurting himself." Hermione had gone really pale.

"What? You think he's going to kill himself?" Ginny asked a little worried.

"He wouldn't do that." Ron said, although they could all hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"Maybe he would. He has been really strange, it might have become too much for him." Hermione whispered.

"He chose this himself you know." Ron said defensively. "He turned his back on us first."

"But maybe we should have tried harder to get him to change?" Hermione said looking down on her food.

"It wasn't your fault." Dean cut in. "I saw the way he was behaving towards you guys. The blame lies with him."

"Yeah, don't blame yourself Hermione." Ron said smiling weakly. "We did just what anyone else would have done."

"Maybe you're right." She said, still looking down on her food. "But don't you think we should try and talk to him again?"

"I don't know Hermione. If he wants to talk, he can always come to us."

"That's exactly like Harry. Always turns towards others when he's feeling down." She said sarcastically.

Ron sighed. "OK, if it means so much to you, we can go talk to him later. He'll probably not be in class, but we can do it this evening."

Hermione gave a weak smile and continued with her food.

The wind was playing with his hair, as he stood at the edge of the Astronomy tower. He was looking out on the world as the sun slowly made its way down into the horizon, darkness creeping up on him. It was such a strong metaphor, but he still tried to ignore it. Harry didn't want to live anymore, and he wouldn't let this stop him. So maybe the world would be lost without him, but was it really any better with him here? He couldn't fight, so what good was he?

He had thought about leaving a letter behind, but decided against it. They didn't care about him or what he had to say. They would grieve his death, but not him. They would grieve for their fallen hero, but not the boy he really was. They just didn't care.

Was he finally going to do this then? Were Draco's words the last thing needed? The knowledge of what his former friends really thought? He had thought himself stronger than this. For all the years Malfoy had taunted him, mocking him for the hero he had tried to be, he had believed that he was stronger. He would never have thought that it would end this way, that he would be such a chicken and not stand up for his destiny. The fact that he, Harry Potter The-God-Damn-Boy-Who-Lived, would leave the world with a threat it couldn't handle had been unbelievable for him.

Yet, here he was, a single step from doing the unbelievable. A weak smile crossed his face for a second. What if Dumbledore could see him now? He had protected him for so many years from what he had thought was Harry's biggest threat. How wrong he was. The biggest threat was not a simple murderer like Voldemort, it was his own mind and actions. Nothing could save him from that.

As the sun went down in the horizon, leaving the world to the darkness, Harry Potter took one last step over the edge.


	4. Chapter 3 Unwanted rescues

**Chapter 3 – Unwanted rescues**

Remus Lupin was walking across the grounds towards the school. Dumbledore had sent him a letter asking if he could come as soon as possible, but it hadn't said what this was all about. But it wasn't hard to guess. Everything they talked about these days only concerned two things, Harry Potter and Voldemort, either way it was probably bad news.

Harry had been different this year. Sirius's death' had been hard on him and Remus had known that it wouldn't be a good idea to send him back to the Dursley's. Still, he let it happen. Harry had blocked himself out of the world. He acted like he didn't care about anything and it was hard to even make him speak. They had tried to help him, but it hadn't worked. Harry didn't want the help, he was happy the way he was. No happy wasn't the word, he was satisfied.

As the year had gone he had pulled back more and more, and now he didn't even speak to his friends. Everyone was worried about him. They didn't know what was going on in his mind, but they did know that it wasn't anything happy. He was falling down a bottomless pit and if he didn't reach out for them soon, he would be gone forever.

Harry needed love, possibly more then anyone else. He had grown up without it, and when he got to Hogwarts they could see a difference. The more time he had spent here the more powerful he had become. Now, when he had chosen to turn away from everyone who loved him, his powers might fade. That was one of the many things Remus had discussed with the Headmaster. They weren't sure it would fade, but there was a great risk it would. Another big risk was that it would become stronger. Stronger for the reason that he might go over to the dark side. No one wanted to believe that that might happen, but they still needed to think about it, to be prepared.

Lupin sighed and looked up at the castle. Inside there were so many happy people. They didn't have to worry about what happened. They were kids, and therefore left it to the hand of the grownups. Harry hadn't been so lucky.

In the corner of his eye Lupin could see something fall from high up in the Astronomy tower. He quickly pulled out his wand and screamed "Wingardium Leviosa!" and then felt the spell catch the object. It stopped in mid air and he slowly let it drift down to the ground. When it landed he walked up to it and looked down on the boy.

"Harry?" He couldn't say anything else. If he hadn't been here, just now, Harry would have been dead by now. It was too hard to speak, to hard to understand.

The boy lifted his head and looked up on one of his father's best friends with his empty eyes. It had been so close. When he finally mustered the power to jump, he had been caught.

Lupin swallowed hard and tried to collect his voice again. "Did you fall? What happened? What were you doing up there?" he said in shock.

Harry pulled himself up from the ground and stared at the man in front of him. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" he said before he turned around and walked away into the castle again.

Lupin just stood there for God knows how long. What had just happened? Hadn't he fallen? Had Harry actually tried to kill himself? Had he jumped? No, he couldn't have. That would be absurd. Harry would never try to kill himself. But what had happened then? He wouldn't just walk away like that, so calmly, if he had slipped and almost died.

He pulled himself back together and ran towards the castle doors. He needed to talk to Dumbledore right away; this was much worse than they had ever thought.

Harry smashed through the doors and into the Entrance Hall. Why didn't people leave him alone? They always interfered with what he did. "God damn it!" he thought to himself. He ran up the stairs and pushed some small first years out of the way. Why couldn't people just let him be? It wasn't any of their business if he wanted to die. They had no right to stop him.

"Password please." The fat lady said as he walked up to the portrait.

"Dragon egg." He said angrily and then pushed his way into the common room.

Since it was only around eight o'clock there were still a lot of people in there, and everyone turned towards him when he entered. He was used to their looks, but this time it was different. They were different. Something in their eyes. Was it fear? Relief? Whatever it was he didn't care. He made his way through the crowd towards the stairs and up to his dormitory. He needed to be alone right now. There were too many thoughts in his head. He couldn't handle it.

"Harry, wait!" He spun around and saw Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville sitting in the chairs by the fire looking over at him.

"Come here a second, we want to talk to you." Hermione said pointing at an empty chair next to them.He stared at it for a second. What was with everyone today? Normally they wouldn't even talk to him, and now they wanted him to sit with them? Like hell he would! He didn't need them. He spun around again and started walking up the stairs.

"Harry, wait!" Ginny called and ran after him, closely followed by Ron and Hermione.

Harry didn't bother to stop he just kept going, at least until Ginny grabbed his arm and spun him around.

"We just want to talk to you Harry." She almost pleaded.

He looked at the three of them. Couldn't they just understand that he didn't want to talk? Was it really that hard?

"We're worried about you Harry." Hermione said.

Worried, now that's the first. I don't care if they worry about me! I never asked them to. Harry ripped his arm out of Ginny's hand and walked into the dormitory, slamming the door in their faces.

"That insufferable git." Ron hissed

"Ron, stop it. We just have to try again tomorrow." Hermione said as she stared at the door.

"Again?" Ron burst out. "You want to try again? I thought he showed pretty clear that he didn't want to talk to us."

"It doesn't matter if he wants to talk or not, we'll just have to make him." Ginny said matter of factly.

"Yeah, you girls are just as crazy as he is." Ron shrugged, getting himself two slaps on the arms.

Harry didn't even bother changing his clothes; he just jumped on to the bed and pulled the hangings closed. He had been so close this time. If it hadn't been for Lupin he might finally be dead. It wasn't fair. Why did he have to be there just at that moment?

He pulled out the knife from under his pillow. It was so dirty now, covered in dried blood. He never washed it because it served as a reminder of the pain, just like the scars did. He ran his finger across the blade and felt the sharpness. He didn't press so hard that he cut the skin; he never did when it came to his fingers. The scars weren't supposed to be shown to everyone, they were his own. No one needed to know that he cut himself open almost every night, because that would just lead to unwanted questions.

He didn't want that, he wanted to be alone.

He pulled up his robe and ever so slowly and cut a deep scar right over his heart. He wouldn't press so hard that it hurt his inner organs, but he still wanted the scar to be there. It would always remind him of what he did today, and how it might have turned out. Harry didn't know if he would try to jump again, but he suspected that Lupin would tell Dumbledore about what he had done, and that would lead to better security at the Astronomy tower.

The blood made its way down his chest and on to the bed, leaving a wet pool. He managed a small smile as he felt the pain take over. He was free, at least for the night. Tomorrow he would have to cover the wound with bandages and go back to his own life. The life he hated more then anything else.


	5. Chapter 4 Serious talk

**Chapter 4 – Serious Talk**

Harry woke up late the next day and, after cleaning and covering his wound, made his way to class. Breakfast was already over and classes had started so the hallways were empty, and he felt relived that he could walk in peace. He reached the Transfiguration door, opened it and walked in. After one quick glance around the room he spotted an empty seat at the back of the class and was on his way when Professor McGonagall stopped him.

"Mr Potter, how nice of you to come." She said sarcastically. The class were looking at Harry and then swiftly turned their heads back to McGonagall to see what she would do. Everyone knew that taking house points wouldn't matter to him and he never attended his detentions, so McGonagall's options were limited.

"Even if I would want you to stay, when you for once show up, the Headmaster has asked to see you as soon as possible." She said and pointed towards the door.

Harry got up, turned around on his heels, without looking at her, and walked back towards the door. However, the Professor once again stopped him.

"Since you have a knack for not showing up he asked me to escort you." She turned back towards the class. "You will keep on practising and if I find the room in a mess when I come back, you will truly regret it. I won't be long." She ended and walked out the door after Harry.

They walked in silence through the corridors, and Harry found himself cursing the living hell out of Lupin for turning him in like that. Harry didn't want to talk to Dumbledore, he didn't ever want to set another foot in that office, and now he found himself dragged there. It just wasn't fair. Couldn't they just let him deal with his life on his own?

"Sugar quill." McGonagall said and walked up the revolving stairs, Harry following her dully. She knocked on the door and entered without waiting for a response.

Harry walked in behind her and took a quick look around the room. He wasn't surprised to see Lupin sitting in one of the chairs looking at him with concern. Harry turned away from him again and walked up to the window instead. The rain was pouring down outside and the clouds were dark grey. He always found the rain relaxing and right now he really needed it.

"Thank you Minerva, you may return to your class." Dumbledore said. McGonagall nodded and walked out, closing the door behind her.

There was a few minutes silence before Dumbledore broke it again.

"Harry, Professor Lupin has told me about what happened yesterday. We are concerned about you."

Harry gave out a loud snort and placed one of his hands on the window. The rain had made it really cold, and he slowly ran his fingers across it. He wanted out of this room, out of this castle, out of this life.

"Harry, why did you feel the need to jump like that?" Lupin asked in a whisper.

Because he hated this life, hated this world and everything else they had thrown at him. He wanted out, he wanted to be free. But he stayed quiet.

"Why won't you talk to us? Please Harry, just tell us something." Lupin pleaded. "We want to help you, but you have to tell us how."

Harry continued to stare out the window. He didn't need their help; he was fine on his own.

"We have been forced to increase the security in the Astronomy Tower, and I ask you not to try it again." Dumbledore stated. "No one wants you to die Harry."

Harry spun around and stared at the Headmaster. "Yeah, I've only been killed nearly six times; all accidents of course."

The usual twinkles in Dumbledore's eyes were gone, and he looked at Harry with grief in his eyes. "I'm sorry Harry, I didn't mean it like that."

"Of course you didn't." Harry turned away from him. "May I leave?" He said, and without waiting for a response he walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

The two men looked at the closed door for a minute, silently going through everything in their minds.

"What do we do now Dumbledore?" Lupin asked after a while, turning his eyes towards the Headmaster.

Dumbledore sighed before he spoke. "We will have to keep an eye on him. Professor Flitwick has already taken care of the Astronomy Tower and I have put up some new wards that will inform me if someone leaves the grounds."

"But if he really wants to kill himself then there are other ways." Lupin said.

"Yes, but we can't make the castle completely safe, there are too many things that can be used to commit suicide. We will just have to watch him for any signs of what he will do. I also suggest that you try and talk to him on your own. Now when you have taken over Professor Murphy's job as Defence against the Dark Arts teacher you will have more time with Harry."

Lupin nodded slowly. That had been the reason Dumbledore had called him over yesterday. Professor Murphy had been forced to quit because of and accident with a centaur, and Lupin had gladly filled in the position for him. He loved to teach, but most of all he wanted to be close to Harry.

"Have you told the other teachers why the security has been increased?" Lupin asked

"Not exactly. I only told them that the Astronomy Tower had been unprotected for too long, and that it was luck that had kept all our students alive."

"Well, I should go get my first class ready." Lupin said as he got up from his chair. "I have the sixth year Gryffindors and Slytherins this afternoon. If Harry shows up I will try and talk to him."

"That sounds good. Just take it easy on him. After today I think the best way to get him to open up is to go slowly, don't rush him too much."

Lupin nodded and walked out the door, thinking about how he should do this.


	6. Chapter 5 Kill me

**Chapter 5 – Kill me**

Harry spent the rest of the morning sitting by the lake. It felt so calming the way the rain poured down on the world. Everything was so quiet. The students and teachers were inside and all the animals had found some shelter from the rain. He was all alone, just the way he liked it.

He looked over the grounds and at the gate. How he would love to just walk away from it all, leave everything behind. Voldemort would catch him as soon as he stepped of the grounds, and he would finally die. It would be such a relief. But no, Dumbledore had to interfere, as always. Harry couldn't leave the grounds without Dumbledore showing up in an instant. How he hated that man.

When it was about noon he stood up and walked back to the castle. The lunch was probably served by now, but he had no intentions to go there. The students would stare at him as usual, something he was used to and didn't care about anymore, but Dumbledore would also be there. He didn't want to face the man, feel his concerned looks as soon as he entered. It was too much, too annoying. He didn't want him to care; he just wanted him to stay away. Was it so hard to understand?

He opened the doors to the Entrance Hall and walked in. The water was dripping off him as he walked through the hallways, leaving a clear trace. He didn't know where he was going or why he even had walked inside again. He loved being out in the rain, but he had felt the need to walk through the corridors. And so he did. He walked without a purpose, without a goal, and without the slightest concern about where he might end up. He turned corners, walked through doors, up and down stairs until he didn't have any idea of where he was.

It was a narrow hallway, without any windows, and only a heavy oak door at the end. Harry didn't feel like turning around, so he walked up to the door and stepped in. The room inside was completely dark, so he took out his wand and whispered "Lumos". It was a small room and, just like the hallway outside, there weren't any windows. At first look it seemed completely empty, and he was just about to turn around and walk back again, when he noticed something in one of the corners. He walked closer and read the text at the top of the big mirror out loud "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi".

He slowly walked up to it and stood right in front of it, with his gaze at the floor. Harry wasn't sure if he really wanted to look into the mirror, to see what it was his heart desired. The last time he had looked into it he had seen his whole family. His whole dead family. Did he really want to look at them again, now when he knew for sure that he was the reason for his parents' death? Would they still smile at him, or would they blame him for their death?

He lifted his gaze, ever so slowly. The sight that met his eyes should have been surprising, but deep down inside he knew that it was the truth. There weren't any family members in the mirror; it was only him, lying dead on the floor. His eyes were shut and there was a small smile on his lips.

Harry felt his heart begin to race but he couldn't take his eyes away from his own dead body. He knew he wanted it; it was the only thing he could think about. The desire to just end it all, to finally be free, was so strong. He wanted it.

But the fact that it was his deepest desire scared him. Had he really lost all hope? Was there really nothing he wanted more? No, there wasn't. He couldn't deny it.

He walked even closer and sank down on the floor, his eyes never leaving the reflection. He slowly raised his trembling fingers and stroked them over his dead body, a small smile creeping up on his lips. How he wanted it. How he desired it. It seemed so peaceful to just leave the world behind, to not have any worries anymore. Just pure relief. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, probably an hour or two, but he finally got up and walked to the door. When he reached for the doorknob he cast one last glance over at the mirror and whispered, "I'll be back."

Lupin was sitting by the desk in the Defence classroom. He had told all the students to read about the Unforgivables in their books, and that they would have to write an essay for next lesson. They hadn't been too happy about it, but they did it all the same. The silence in the classroom was unfortunately giving Lupin the time to think, something he really didn't want to do right now. Harry hadn't shown up for class and he was wondering where he might be. He hadn't said much in their meeting earlier, so Lupin had no idea what he could be up to. He silently prayed that Dumbledore had set up strong protections around the Astronomy Tower.

The sound of the door opening dragged him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see Harry walking in. He threw a quick look around the classroom and then walked up to an empty seat at the back, seeming oblivious to all the stares he got from his classmates. He then sat down, pulled out a book and started to read.

People turned back to stare at their Professor with questioning looks on their faces. He knew exactly what it was they were thinking about; what was he going to do? He slowly got up from his chair and made his way over to Harry, feeling everyone staring at him. When he got up to Harry he bent down and leaned against his desk to try and catch his eyes, but it was futile.

"Harry," he whispered, so the class couldn't hear. "Where have you been?"

Harry looked like he still hadn't noticed the man was leaning towards him, and just kept reading. After a few more silent seconds Lupin spoke again.

"I know you're hurting Harry, but you can't block me out. I miss him too you know."

There was still no response and Lupin opened his mouth to try again, but the door opening once again cut him off. Professor Flitwick came in and Lupin walked over to see what it was he wanted. After a whispered discussion Lupin turned back towards the class.

"I have to go away for a minute, but I trust that you will continue reading your books. If there is any trouble or anyone of you walks out of here you will get detentions for a week." He then turned around and followed Flitwick out the door.

The room was left in silence for a minute, the good students continuing their reading and the others just wondering if it was safe to start talking. Unsurprisingly the one who broke the silence was Draco Malfoy.

"So Potter, found a way to get away without detention have you?"

Harry just continued to read his book and didn't pay Malfoy the slightest interest. Malfoy got up from his seat and walked over to Harry. He smirked and then grabbed the book from him. "What's so interesting that you don't pay your fellow students any attention?" He closed the book and looked at the front. "The darkest wizards of all time and the one who defeated them." He looked up at Harry again, who was now staring at the table in front of him. "Think you're going to end up in here Potter?"

Harry got up from his seat and grabbed the book from Malfoy. He then placed it back in his bag and walked towards the door.

"Running away are you?" Malfoy called after him. "Can't believe people ever thought you would be able to defeat the Dark Lord."

Harry stopped in his tracks but didn't turn around.

"It's a pity The Dark Lord didn't kill you when he had the chance." Malfoy smirked. Everyone else was silent now, the Slytherins smirking and the Gryffindors holding their breath, waiting to see what Harry would do.

He stood still for a long time before he finally turned around. He stared straight at Malfoy and they were shocked to see the emptiness in his eyes mixed with determination. Slowly he started to walk towards him, and they could see Malfoy's uneasiness. He stopped right in front of him and stared into his eyes.

"So you think it's a pity do you?" He reached down and grabbed hold of the hand Malfoy was currently holding his wand in. "You think it would be better if I was dead?" He lifted the hand until the wand was pointing straight at his heart. "You're not the only one." Malfoy was trying to get his hand back but Harry wasn't letting go that easy. "So kill me then," Harry said plainly. "Kill me and let it be over. I wouldn't blame you."

Malfoy stared into his eyes with fear. "You're crazy," he said, still trying to get his hand back.

Now it was Harry's turn to smirk. "Maybe, but that's even more reason for you to kill me."

"Let go of my hand you psycho!" Malfoy screamed.

"Just talk and no action are you? But think about how pleased Voldemort would be." He ignored that everyone in the room flinched, even Malfoy. "He would let you into his inner circle right away."

"Get away from me!"

"What's going on in here?" Snape came storming in through the door.

Harry leaned closer to Malfoy. "Kill me," he whispered. "Kill me and let it be over."

"Malfoy, Potter, break it up!" Snape, who hadn't heard what Harry said, called and marched towards them.

Harry let go of the wand and Malfoy backed away while shaking his head, but he didn't dare to take his eyes of Harry. The door opened again and Lupin walked in. He spotted the three people in the middle of the room and raised an eyebrow. "And what's going on here?" he asked."Your first day back and I still have to come in to break up fights in your classes. It's going to be a long year." Snape said with a smirk.

Lupin ignored him and looked at the two boys. "Anyone of you care to tell me what happened?"

"He's crazy!" Malfoy screamed, still not taking his eyes of Harry. "He begged me to kill him!"

Now it was Snape's turn to raise an eyebrow and faced the boys.

"Harry?" Lupin said questionably and looking at him.

Harry was still looking at Malfoy and there was sadness in his eyes. "Harry?" Lupin asked again.This time Harry spun around and walked to the door. When he tried to pass his teachers Snape reached out and grabbed him firmly by the shoulder. Harry visibly flinched at the touch and tried to break away, but Snape only held tighter.

"Get the hell off me you fucking freak!" he screamed and slammed his fist into Snape's shoulder, making him lose the grip enough for Harry to pull free. He spun around to face his teachers and drew out his wand instantly. "Keep away from me," he said and slowly started to back away towards the door.

"Harry calm down," Lupin said with concern in his voice. Harry looked like a frightened animal facing a predator. "We won't hurt you, we just want to talk." He could hear Snape mutter something as he stroked his shoulder, but he ignored it seeing that it probably wasn't anything that would help them right now.

"And what makes you think I would want to talk to any of you?" Harry said as he continued his way to the door.

"Because if you don't I will personally kick your sorry ass out of this school," Snape sneered. "Well, I might do that anyway."

"Snape, keep quiet," Lupin said angrily.

"Why should I do that? The brat hit me," Snape said as he turned to Lupin.

Lupin turned towards his colleague too. "Because you're not making this any better."

"Oh, but you got some excellent idea I presume. Probably a nice little talk over a cup of tea and the Golden boy will be forgiven," Snape smirked.

"Why don't you just bloody shut up?" Lupin screamed, his temper getting the better of him.

"Um… Professors?" Parvati started hesitantly.

"WHAT?" Both Professors screamed without taking their eyes of each other.

She flinched but continued anyway. "Harry's just left."

They spun around and saw the door standing open and Harry Potter had indeed gone.


	7. Chapter 6 Running

**Chapter 6 – Running**

Harry ran through the corridors like he had never run before. He needed to get away, needed to get out. He couldn't take it anymore. He hated this so-called life. It was suffocating him, drowning him in misery. Thanks to that damn prophecy he had been cursed from the day that he was born. He could never be normal, never be happy, and he didn't know what to do anymore. So he ran.

He had put his hope in Malfoy. If they prevented him from killing himself then he just had to push someone else to do it for him. It hadn't worked. That fucking coward. Harry could have been dead by now if Malfoy had just been a little more true to his words. But no, he was just talk and no action. Damn him.

The students and teachers he ran past gave him strange looks and some of them even called for him to stop. He wouldn't do that. He couldn't do that. He knew it was silly of him, but he felt like he could actually run away from it all. Run and leave everything behind. The pain, the grief, the responsibility. He had to get away.

He smashed his way out of the castle and on to the grounds. He had no idea where he was going, and frankly he didn't care, as long as it was far away from here. Hogwarts was a symbol for when he first realised what a damned life he had. Before he had come here, before he had joined the wizard world, he had no idea what he was supposed to do and what his parents had died for. If he'd never come here he would never have found out. Sure, he was miserable at the Dursley's, but at least he hadn't known. It was too much to put on the shoulders of a 16-year-old.

So he ran for the gates, the way out of this place. He didn't care, didn't even share one thought, about what was waiting for him outside. It couldn't be worse than this. If Voldemort wanted him, then he could have him. If Voldemort wanted him dead, he could kill him. Harry wanted to die. He wanted that final escape.

He thought he heard someone shout his name but he just kept running. There was nothing anyone could say that would make him want to stay. When he ran through the gates he felt a light tickling sensation and knew that Dumbledore's wards had informed him that Harry was on the run. It wouldn't take long for him to come after Harry.

And there it was, the sudden explosion of fire in the air in front of him that told him Fawkes had arrived, and he was probably not alone. Harry found his way blocked and for a moment he thought of the idea to turn around and make his way through the Forest, but quickly decided that he wanted a word with the Headmaster before he left.

When the fire died away Dumbledore stood before him with Fawkes on his shoulder and a grave expression on his old face. Harry stared right back into his eyes without any emotion. He wouldn't make this easy on the old man.

"Where are you going Harry?" Dumbledore spoke, finally breaking the pressing silence.

"Why do you care?" Harry's voice was quiet, but there was a power in it that made sure the Headmaster would hear.

"Because I care about you Harry," the Headmaster answered and let the sadness of his soul show. "I had hoped you would never doubt that."

Harry snorted. "Care? You never cared about me. You cared about your weapon."

"That is not true, I have never seen you as a weapon Harry."

"Like hell you haven't!" Harry screamed angrily.

"You never once asked me what I wanted! You only cared what was the best for you."

"Harry, calm down. You now I never…"

"Don't deny it! You were probably only going to keep me safe until Voldemort was dead, then you would throw me away like an empty bottle. Used and needed no more. You would only care as long as I served a purpose."

"Please…"

"Well, guess what. I don't give a fuck about that purpose anymore, I don't give a fuck about this war and I certainly don't give a fuck about you!" Harry screamed, letting his anger get control of him. It didn't matter to him that his words were hurting the Headmaster because Dumbledore's words had hurt him so many times. It was only payback.

Running steps were heard behind Harry and he turned around to see who else were going to get their heads bitten off. He wasn't really surprised to see Lupin stop a few meters away from him, but the fact that Ron and Hermione closely followed him did make him raise an eyebrow in confusion.

"And what gives me the pleasure of your company?" He asked sarcastically.

"We… We were worried about you Harry," Hermione said in a whisper.

"Yeah, you were quite out of it in class," Ron filled in, looking more then a little scared.

"And what makes you think I need taking care of?"

"Because you need your friends Harry. You can't block us all out," Lupin said and taking a small step forward.

"And why would I need you? I'm better off without friends," Harry said simply.

"No you're not. No one can live without people who care about them without going insane," Lupin answered.

"So now you're calling me crazy?"

"No, of course not. That wasn't what I meant," Lupin said quickly, cursing his bad choice of words.

"Why not?" Harry asked simply.

Lupin looked at him confused. "Why not what?"

"Why wouldn't you call me crazy?"

They all looked at him with shock and confusion clear on their faces. "Because you're not Harry," Lupin said after a while.

"But how do you know that?" Harry stepped closer to his former Professor. "Neither of you know me anymore. I jumped off the fucking Astronomy Tower remember?"

Ron and Hermione gasped in shock. They hadn't known what Harry had done. Harry didn't even give them a moment's look; he just kept staring at Lupin.

"If you hadn't been there I would have been dead by now. And you know what? That was what I was aiming for. That would have made me happy. Wouldn't you call that crazy?" Harry was now only inches away from Lupin's face and stared him straight in the eyes.

Lupin visibly flinched but didn't break the eye contact. "You're not crazy Harry, just in pain."

Harry stared at him for a few more seconds before he tore his eyes away and started laughing maniacally. "In pain am I?" He broke in between the laughs. "Did you figure that out all by yourself?" He composed himself again and stared blankly at Lupin. "Since when haven't I been?" There was a hard truth in his simple words that made all of them avert their gaze to the ground, unable to meet his eyes.

Harry turned towards the Headmaster again. "Will you let me go now?"

Dumbledore looked back at him sadly. "I'm afraid I can't do that Harry."

"Then I guess I don't have much choice but to try and hex the living hell out of all of you," He said like it was the most normal reaction.

"You're outnumbered four to one Harry," Ron said fingering the wand in his pocket.

Harry gave him a blank look. "I will not return to Hogwarts willingly and I won't let you take me without a fight."

"Harry please, don't make this so hard," Hermione pleaded.

He looked at her for a long moment and then a pulled out his wand and pointed it at Ron in one fast movement. Ron was too slow and before he could pull out his own wand he was hit straight in the chest by a full body bind curse. He hadn't even hit the ground before Harry, with his seeker reflexes, had turned towards Dumbledore with his wand ready. The Headmaster gave a wave of his own wand and without a word; a curse came flying towards Harry. He dived down on the ground quickly and rolled around before he got up again, this time not caring to take up his wand, just start running.

He might have got away if it hadn't been for the fact that the reflexes of a werewolf could beat seeker reflexes. Lupin got a tight hold of his wrist and a small groan slipped out between Harry's lips at the fierce treatment of his covered wounds. Lupin looked at him surprised before he pulled up Harry's sleeve and tore of the bandages. To say he went as white as snow would be an understatement. Without caring that Harry kept trying to take his arm back Lupin stared at the fresh cut with a mix of shock, anger, sadness, confusion and regret plaguing his mind.

"Let go!" Harry screamed, franticly tugging at his arm.

"Harry, when did you do this?" Lupin asked without taking his eyes of the cut.

"That's none of your business," Harry snapped back and finally managed to pull free. He didn't hesitate for one second, he just turned around and ran, leaving the others too shocked to run after him straight away, and when they realised he was gone it was too late.


	8. Chapter 7 The End of His Run

**Chapter 7 – The End of His Run**

He could hear them calling after him, begging him to stop, but he didn't care. He had to get away from them. They thought that they could actually stop him, that out-numbering him would make him come back without a fight. How wrong they had been. Cornering someone as desperate as he was right now could only lead to fighting, and when you didn't care what happened to yourself, you had the advantage. They could never understand that, for they had never been in his position.

They had never fought for their freedom in the way he was right now. Sure, Dumbledore and Lupin had probably fought for their lives a number of times and Ron and Hermione hadn't been on the lazy side either, but that was different. They fought for their lives, he fought for his death.

As long as he was with them they would do anything in their power to protect him. He was their saviour, whether they would admit it out loud or not, and all of them were too much Gryffindor to put their own safety before the whole wizarding world. Harry understood that and therefore knew that he had to run away from them.

His mind was so full of emotions and desperate solutions that he didn't hear the soft 'pops' behind him. If he had then maybe things would have gone different, but as it was Harry Potter, he didn't have the time to react before his world went dark.

They stood in silence as The-Boy-Who-Lived ran away from them, leaving them with thoughts of confusion and defeat. Everyone had been able to see what was on his arms when Lupin had pulled up his sleeve and it had shocked them more then they would ever have thought. Lupin could never have imagined that Harry would cut his own wrist; even if he had been the one who saved him when Harry had jumped from the Astronomy Tower. It had never been an option for him. Harry had always been so strong, always the hero protecting everyone else. Why couldn't he protect himself?

Hermione was the first to break the silence when she whispered a quiet "Finite Incantatum" and pointed her wand at the still form of Ron lying on the ground. He quickly jumped to his feet and stared in the direction Harry had disappeared.

"Harry, wait!" he called and was about to run after him when Hermione put a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to face her and saw the tears running down her cheeks. "Hermione?" He looked at her confused. "Are you alright?"

She looked at him for a few more seconds before she threw herself at him and started to sob into his chest. "Oh Ron, why did he do it?"

Ron was even more confused at this and looked up at Dumbledore and Lupin for some explanation but they were both staring in different directions and seemingly not even noticing the crying girl in his arms. "Hermione, it's alright. He probably just needed some air." Ron knew that it wasn't the truth but he didn't know how to handle a crying girl. Little did he know that he was trying to comfort her all for the wrong reason.

Hermione looked up at him puffy eyes. "You didn't see?"

"Didn't see what?" Ron asked, more confused. "His arms," Hermione said with a sob. "You didn't see his arms?"

"I was in a full Body Bind on the ground Hermione. You don't see much from down there," Ron said little irritated.

Hermione started sobbing into his chest again and he hardly heard her words. "He's cutting himself Ron."

He stared at her in shock, the meaning of her words slowly sinking in. "Bloody hell," he muttered. He pulled her closer and let a single tear fall down his cheek.

The time passed slowly but no one seemed able to move or talk. There were too many thoughts in their heads, too many emotions and unanswered questions. The sky slowly darkened and when the rain started to fall Dumbledore finally got himself back together enough to speak. "We should get back to the castle before we get soaked."

The others didn't even nod, just followed him quietly back to Hogwarts. Not even Fawkes, who still sat on the Headmasters shoulder, let out a sound.

Harry let out a soft moan and silently cursed his head for being able to hurt so damn much. He slowly opened his eyes and realised that he was lying on a stone floor in a dark room and the only source of light was the moon that shone in through a small opening in the ceiling. He rolled over on his back with another moan and lifted his head a little so that he could get a better view of the room. There wasn't much to see. Except from the opening in the ceiling, the only thing that stood out from the stone walls was a heavy wooden door.

He pulled himself up from the floor and walked towards the door. He knew it would be locked but he couldn't just sit there without checking. Inevitably, it was locked. He walked into the darkest corner, where no light reached, and sat down again. So, he finally got his wish. Voldemort had captured him, which would surely lead to Harry's death. OK, so it would probably mean a little torture first, but he could stand that. He would be free soon. He slipped his hand down in his pocket and wasn't really surprised to find that his wand wasn't there. What kind of kidnappers would they be if they let him keep his wand?

He heard footsteps outside the door and for a reason; he could never figure out, he squeezed himself closer to the wall. A hesitant opening of the wooden door followed after a soft whisper of "Alohomora". Harry stared at the man who entered and his blank expression was replaced by pure hatred. "You," he hissed.

Pettigrew flinched and looked into the dark corner, it was clear that he hadn't seen Harry at first. "Potter," he said with a tremble in his voice and a scared look on his face. "I'm here to take you to the Dark Lord. He demands your presence."

If he thought that this would lead to a reaction in the young boy in front of him, he was sadly mistaken. Harry just stared at him with the same anger without looking away or even blinking, making Pettigrew more nervous by the second.

"We need to go, before my Lord gets impatient," Pettigrew said after a pressing minute, his eyes darting back and forth without ever looking at Harry for more than a second.

"Do you suppose that I'll go willingly or are you going to make me?" Harry asked, still staring at Wormtail.

Wormtail looked like he would rather be anywhere else then here right now. "It would be easier if you could come with me without me needing to curse you," he said finally.

Harry let a small smirk cross his lips. "Not much of a Death Eater, are you Wormtail?"

Pettigrew glanced back at the door with a scared look. "I really don't want to curse you Harry."

"How nice of you," Harry spat out sarcastically. "And I'm sure you didn't really want to send Voldemort to my house to kill me when I was just a baby. It just turned out that way, right?"

It looked like Wormtail had to put in all his efforts to prevent himself from running out of the room. He was scared; of the Dark Lord and his own actions. He owed Harry his life, whether he liked it or not, and taking him to the Dark Lord wasn't the best way to repay him.

"Are you scared Wormtail?" Harry got up from the floor and slowly started walking towards the man that had condemned his life to misery. "Scared of your own Master?" Wormtail brought up his wand and pointed it with a shaking hand at the boy who slowly approached him. "He doesn't give a damn about you, no one does, and he would kill you without a second thought."

"Stop, or I'll have to curse you!" Wormtail said trembling.

Harry smirked. "I might not live to see the day, but trust my word Wormtail. Before this war is over you will rot in hell, whether it's the Light side or your own Master that kills you."

"Stupefy!"


	9. Chapter 8 Antimortem Before Death

**Chapter 8 – Anti-mortem/Before death**

Severus Snape was angry. No, strike that. He was furious. The day had started out well, he had been able to take 50 points from his first year Gryffindor class in the morning and then caught two third year Gryffindor's throwing Dungbomb's in the Entrance Hall. There was no better start to a day then tormenting Gryffindors. He had thought his luck was made when he heard shouting from the Defence classroom and walked in to find Malfoy and Potter in a fight. Of course, he knew that Malfoy probably was the one that started it but what did that matter? And then Lupin had walked in. Snape had inwardly shrieked with joy. Could this day be any better? He soon found out that it could have been a lot better.

"He begged me to kill him!"

That was not the answer Snape had expected from Lupin's question. He couldn't help but to raise an eyebrow at the two boys. Surely Malfoy could have come up with something better than that. Who would believe that the Golden Boy would beg someone to kill him? Snape had silently decided to have a talk to Malfoy later, improve his excuses a little bit.

Snape's next big surprise had been that Lupin didn't seem too surprised; he did actually look like he believed the young Slytherin. Something was wrong. Snape hadn't been a spy for 16 years without the realisation that someone wasn't telling him everything.

Potter hadn't reacted at first to Lupin's calling but suddenly he had spun around and tried to get out of the room. Well, who was he, Severus Snape, to let a Gryffindor get away when it was time to get punished? He had of course reached out for the boy and stopped him. He was a little surprised over the insult the young Gryffindor had let out but it was nothing compared to the surprise when a fist connected to his shoulder and made him lose his grip. Potter may have been small and skinny for his age but he was a lot stronger then you would think. It had actually hurt like hell.

And then the werewolf had the nerve to try and be nice to the little brat! What he deserved was a nice beating, not a "We won't hurt you, we just want to talk". He hadn't been able to keep the sarcastic response inside and he surely didn't regret saying it. It was a wonder the boy still was allowed to attend Hogwarts, after all the rules he had broken over the years.

Lupin hadn't been too happy about it of course and during their little argument the brat had slipped out. Damn it! Not only did he get beaten by a 16-year-old but he didn't even get the chance to take points from him. Oh, Potter would regret this day.

He flinched suddenly as pain shot through his arm. "This day just keeps getting better and better," he muttered to himself and headed for the Entrance Hall. It was Potter's fault his day had been destroyed like this. Going from tormenting Gryffindors to meeting the Dark Lord was a huge step down in his opinion.

For a second Harry didn't know who he was or where he was but then the memories started to come back to him. He let out an irritated groan and rolled over on his back. The room was made completely out of stone but in difference from his earlier cell this one was much bigger, about a third of the Great Hall, and there were huge windows all around the walls.

Then he heard that evil cackle again, but unlike all the other times he had heard it, this time he wasn't afraid. He didn't even flinch as the sound cut into his body and forced all the memories of pain back into his mind. Harry pulled himself up from the ground and faced his enemy with a stone like expression on his face. He was so focused on the inhuman creature that stood before him that he didn't even notice all the Death Eaters standing along the walls. He knew Voldemort would kill him and he welcomed it, but he would put on a brave face until the end. He wouldn't give this creature the pleasure of knowing that he had already won.

"So we meet again, Harry Potter," Voldemort said with was supposedly an amused expression on his face. To Harry it only made him look even lesser a human.

"Yeah, it seems that way doesn't it," Harry replied.

The laughter again. Would it ever stop?

"A Gryffindor to the bone. Always mistaking bravery for stupidity."

Harry just stared at him. It would take more then that lame insult to force a reaction in him.

"It was foolish of you to walk out the gates. Your Headmaster will not be happy," Voldemort said as he smirked. "So what made you do it? Did you want to meet me so badly?"

Harry didn't feel like talking to this creature but he knew Voldemort wouldn't stop talking for awhile if he wasn't provoked. So to speed up the process, he talked back.

"I would rather kiss a werewolf then see your ugly face." There wasn't a single trace of emotion in Harry's voice and his eyes never left Voldemort's.

"Would you really?" He got that horrible expression on his face again, that amused look. "That could be arranged."

Cold green eyes meeting amused red.

"But no, I wouldn't want a werewolf running around. A corpse is much better." He smirked.

"But you won't go so easy Harry Potter. We have all the time in the world. Crucio!"

The spell hit Harry straight in the chest and as it shot through his body, with that white-hot pain he had learned to hate, he fell to his knees. It ripped through him, making him shake and tremble, but he did not scream. This time was so unlike all the others, this time he greeted it. As the pain injected him he felt peace in a way not even jumping off the Astronomy Tower could make him feel. Everything else disappeared; it was only him and the pain. Nothing else mattered.

And then it stopped.

Laughter. It rang through the room sending a chill down a spine. But it wasn't high-pitched or cold. It was empty. Harry Potter lay on the floor laughing and it was only interrupted once in awhile by the after effects of the curse making him flinch. Of all the sounds you could hear coming out of a 16 year old boy this was the most nerve wrecking of all.

When he finally got control of himself again he turned towards the Dark Lord with a smirk on his face. "Is that the best you can do?"

Voldemort looked slightly taken back by this but quickly pulled himself together. "No longer scared of pain Potter?"

"Why should I be? You already caused me so much; a little Cruciatus curse is nothing in compare."

Some of the Death Eaters shifted nervously at his calmness but a stern look from their master made them stand frozen to their spots.

Voldemort turned back towards Harry again. "Not scared of pain then. I wonder, are you still scared of death?"

Harry didn't answer; he just stared into those red eyes without the slightest bit of emotion showing.

The laughter returned; that high-pitched laughter that pierced your soul. "So that is why you left the security of Hogwarts. You were seeking death and counted on me to deliver it to you."

He met Harry's eyes and stared into his empty soul. The pain had taken so much of this young boy that there wasn't much left of him anymore.

"Then, you were wrong. Where is the pleasure in killing a suicidal?" He smirked again. "No, I will keep you alive Harry Potter. You will witness the world falling into the darkness knowing that there isn't anything you can do about it. You took me for granted and I'll make sure you regret it."


End file.
